I've been gone for a bit

I haven't felt like blogging lately. In fact, I haven't felt like doing much at all. I have a few things going on and I can usually deal with a few things, but it's usually one thing that happens to be the straw that breaks the camels back.



A couple days ago, I posted about how much I HATE Avenue, which is kinda what started to break the camels back. I drove home so discouraged about the amount of work it takes to find decent clothing that's somewhat affordable and flattering. I've never been happy about being overweight, but this shopping trip was a bit too much for me. At this time in life, I'm not having much fun and I'm almost always alone, when not at work. I want to go out with friends and hike, take walks, go swimming, go to bars, see a movie, bake, watch tv, etc, but all of my friends are busy. Their lives have continued, whereas mine has stayed in pretty much the same place for years (save for a few months where I was actually dating someone...it didn't end great).I used to be mad that all my friends are busy, bu I've accepted it and life does get busy when you have kids, significant others, other friends, bills where your money should go. I have nothing to keep me busy, I have no one. I just want to have fun in life, meet new people and just enjoy things. I'd like to meet a man whom doesn't think of me as a one night stand or a best friend, one who would want to spend time with me, be with me and all that crap the couples do (ALL of it! I would even like to go grocery shopping with him).

What does this crap have to do with shopping? I feel like I'm having a hard time this past year and then I can't even buy a dress. A fucking dress. I can't find a piece of clothing for myself and that event has found me sitting in my room for a month wondering what I can do to: a) make myself feel better, b) lose weight and actually stick to the regimen, c) find people who have time for me and ones that want to do things with me. Since I can only control myself, I'm going to work on a & b....though I'm super skeptical. Super. 

I am aware that starting off being negative isn't what one should do, but I can't help it. It's hard to see the positive when I've never lost weight (except when I had a personal trainer but the schedule made me miserable and the weight loss was SO FUCKING MINIMAL, how the HELL am I supposed to be excited for 10lbs after 3mo of going to the gym 6 days a week and no cheat days??) and feeling good about myself has only been one time, in 2002, for a few weeks. (Long story, but I could always tell it if someone asks....does anyone actually read this? Lol.)

My plan is to start yoga at home. I'm hoping this will be low impact enough for my knees (I hurt one a long time ago in high school...and I'm fat) and would help with my lack of flexibility. I also have been wearing a pedometer for the past couple weeks and, after calculating how much little I walk, I am going to slowly increase my steps each day per week. I also am planning to buy a bike, though this is in the future as I'm not sure what kind of bike I want and I am irrationally afraid of breaking it because I'm so fat. Also, I've successfully cut out a lot of unnecessary foods (like calorie-stuffed mayonnaise, juice, sodas, fast foods), but I HAVE to work on cutting out more carbs. I've realized that on days when I don't have food prepared, I eat a carb as a main dish for every meal and that is not good. I'm not a super sweets-person, but I'm also trying to cut back on ANY kind of sugar.

I also bought a book of self-acceptance, which is totally opposite of me, as I tend to eschew these types of things. I've also for years thought of self-help books as cheesy. But this book, Beautiful You, a daily guide to radical self-acceptance by Rosie Molinary had a lot of great reviews and I thought it could be worth the price. The book has 365 daily readings and states you can start anywhere in the book, read it with a group, with your child or by yourself. I've actually dated the pages so that when I do inevitably forget to read it a day, I can catch up. I'm also planning to keep this in my purse most days. Wish me luck as I have a lot of work to do and I genuinely want this to go well.

This photo turned out weird...my lipstick was pink!