Sunday, September 28, 2014

I have a problem and I'm not sure where to go from here

There I was, standing next to my car, while he thumbed through an old mechanics books I had in my backseat. "So it's a no," he jokingly asked. I confirmed the no and was thankfully rescued by one of his supervisors. As I was driving away from work it occurred to me: I just rejected a seemingly decent guy based on the premise that I do not date anyone I work with. But the real reason?
I am 30 years old, single and terrified of dating/men/being in a relationship.

I haven't always been single. After graduating high school, I dated a few guys, but got (sadly) tired of them after a few months and broke it off ( I later figured out that I was poor at identifying my true emotions and thus communicating them). I dated one guy when I was 20-21 who was very sweet, but not for me. Just not for me. He also wasn't good at communication and so we rarely communicated about issues which lead me to eventually leave him after being angry about too many things after too many months.

At 21, I was single and excited; I had visions of hanging out with my friends, working a lot, finding one-night stands and meeting tons of people. The years of 21-29 has been rittled with long periods of no relationships, no sex, no affection, lots of self-loathing, lack of time spent with friends, lots of work and worse, they were mostly spent by myself. I'm now in a spot where I want to desperately go out with friends, drink, dance, shop, meet new people and try new things. Instead I now have 2 jobs, no days off, fewer friends and absolutely no friends who really enjoy going out. (I realize the job thing is my fault, but more on that later.)

My friends, which are few these days, enjoy staying at home and prefer watching movies under blankets, eating a home-cooked meal and doing things like play with the baby or talk about their boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I don't NOT love these things, but I also need to get out. Due to my anti-social years, I've grown way more awkward around men and it's much more difficult for me to recognize if someone decent could possibly be interested.

Fast forward to now: I work 2 jobs because I do nothing fun, enlightening, stimulating or entertaining on my days off. I am also working at a company I worked at for a number of years, so I know the job very well and, for once I can confidentially say I am excellent at something. This is an easy fix to my boredom of life lately but there's something else lurking in the midsts.....a guy that I kinda work with, but not really, but kinda. He works for the same company, in the same building, in a different part of the building and I don't always see him. But he always finds a way to see me. I consider him a coworker because he works with my coworkers boyfriend and his coworkers are work friends with my can see how this could go, right?

I do NOT like bringing in my personal problems to work. I like being the funny girl, the helpful girl, the knowledgeable girl, the nice girl, the stern girl....not the problem girl. So this guy, Brent, is very nice, though he seems like a bit of a talker. He talks to everyone and, in my opinion (and some of my coworkers), he gives off the impression that he would not be able to keep a secret. But he's nice, he's not bad looking, he's funny, etc. Brent always talks to me about dating (he's on Tinder...which sounds just fucking horrible), what women seem to want, how women treat men, and has even asked me my opinion on what to look for in a woman.

Yesterday he curiously had to throw something in the dumpster that was outside near-ish to my car. I asked him if he was following me and he responded "Nah girl, just need to throw this away." He ended up at my car and asked if I would go on a date with him. I smiled and told him that I do not date people I work with. He stated that we don't work together and I gave him the reasons we do (please see 2 paragraphs above for explanation). I declined to tell him that I thought he had a big mouth; it's not my goal to hurt his feelings. He was pushy, but I was probably giving him mixed signals since I smile when I'm nervous (and men make me nervous). We talked for 10min and a supervisor of his came out, told him to "clean some shit up" then said "Hey Sheena, I'm saving you, you owe me!" I laughed and got in my car.

I got on the freeway and cried. For the first time in a long time, a man who's around my age, has a car, has a job, his own place, he's attractive, funny and confident, hit on me and all my dumbass could do was smile and give a lame ass excuse. This really bothers me. I don't want to be single and lonely forever. I don't want to sit at home forever, but the thought of a decent man actually being physically attracted to me turns my stomach (it's a self-conscious thing, not a grossed-out thing). My stomach feels like it's doing flips and this is seriously making me sad.

Why is it making me sad? I'm not attractive, though I have a pretty face (but aren't all fat women told that?!!), I'm awkward, I make adult jokes (don't know any clean ones), I'm lazy, I don't dress nice or femininely, I'm loud, I'm ridiculous and I use humor as every response when in a nervous situation. I can't control it, I've done it my whole life. If you can't convince people with your actions you're worth something, prove it by your humor.

But why does he like me? How could he possibly think there's something more to me? I am so fat, so big and not in a beautiful Tess Munster way (see previous posts to find my love for her); I'm fat in a sloppy way. I don't feel I have anything positive to romantically and sexually bring to men; I want to change this, but this is how I feel. He's thinner than me,which has always been uncomfortable for me; which made me cry a little when I read "As I Fold His Tiny Pants and Weep" from XOJane.

Now I'm wondering if I made a bad decision. He told me today that there were no hard feelings, he understood and respected that decision. All of that is very nice to say, but I'm still scared. I'm scared of being with a guy alone, I'm scared of acting weird, saying weird things, looking weird and acting weird. I've also ALWAYS had this image of being alone with a guy, taking my shirt off in a heavy moment and he says "Oh nope, I can't do this! You're disgusting."

This is my fear and I'm not sure how to get past this.