Conquer your fears: Challenge 1

Before my vacation, I promised myself I would do things that I'm scared of and things that I haven't done, because of fear. Fear of failure, fear of others judging me, fear of how I'll look when doing it, just fear. While this may not be a huge leap for others, I feel it's a tiny jump for me....a tiny jump that will empower me to make big leaps.

For my first challenge, I'm going to share some photos. These aren't just regular photos, these are photos I haven't shared with anyone because I don't like the way I look in them, which is dumb. It's dumb because these photos include others and. instead of sharing these great memories with my friends and loved ones, I've hidden them away! Tsk, tsk Sheena. But I'm going to change that.




The first picture is of my godson and me. I actually don't hate this photo....I just hate how BIG my freakin' arm looks. This wasn't too long ago so my arms are still this big. It's weird hiding this because it's not as if people don't know that I'm fat, yet I still feel the need to hide this photo, even when I really love this. I had fun pushing him on the swing and I'm a little ashamed I've been hiding this for 4 years now.

This next one, I'll admit, I was drinking. I had just moved back to Northern California from San Diego, CA and I was excited, hanging out with my friends and wearing a new dress. I thought I looked great (IE: sexy) and I was OBVIOUSLY feeling super comfy. I don't remember what my friend, Nation, and I were talking about, but I never shared this one with anyone because you can see my fat legs and the shape of my fat rolls. Again. maybe not the best photo, but it may not be the worst, either. The biggest reason why I hid this was due to the dress perfectly molded around my fat. It's hard for me to remind myself that others know I'm fat and that photos like this don't make me a less person, just not the most flattering position to lay in! Lol.

 This photo was of a very happy occasion. After not seeing a GREAT friend of mine for almost 10yrs, he stopped by San Diego on a road trip. I had an awesome time seeing him and talking with him, so this is one of a few photos that should have been shared. I didn't haven't shared it because of how damn large I look next to him. Ray works out, but my arm is almost 3x the size of him and you can see the shape of my back fat! But in the 2yrs in lived in San Diego, this was one of my more happier moments and to not share this is a damn shame. My negative feelings of myself not only affects me, but all the people I care about. I never intended to hurt or deprive others. but I may have already; and for years.

Again, while living in San Diego, another great friend stopped by and we met at a restaurant, along with his mom. I had a great time and, though it was a brief meeting, it was SO WORTH taking the time off work to see Mike. Again, I didn't share the photo because of how big I look next to him...also the angle I have my face at is really not the most flattering.  Along with looking much bigger than him. I think the angle I'm at makes me look wide and I'm uncomfortable even looking at this photo. But, again, sharing these photos is part of my challenge to better myself and my life.

Finally, I never shared this photo for one, dumb, reason: I was roasting a marshmallow. Seriously. See, I have this fear of people seeing me buy fast food, chocolate, ice cream, etc. Though no one has said anything to me in years, I have had comments made by strangers that I "shouldn't be eating that." Also, I grew up with this obsessive fear of being "that fat person." You know, the one who only eats badly and who gorges themselves on said bad food, never gets off the couch, etc. But hey, in this photo, this was the first time I'd had smores actually roasted and not microwaved. Also, my weird expression? I was nervous about people judging me once they saw the photo.. But you know what? Even if I do eat terribly all the time, that is none of anyone's business and if people don't agree with my life style, that's their decision as my life is mine and no one else's.