1. Visit the city I miss
2. Visit my friend Christy who helped me out so much while I was there
3. Visit my friend Doug
4. Pathetically pretend, if only for a few days, that I was in a relationship with Doug
For a year now (I moved 2 yrs ago), we've both admitted our feelings for each other and he has said on many, many occasions, that he would love a relationship with me but he doesn't want to chance ruining what we have if we break up. I understand that, but I also understand that most people can't hold out on what they want based on that idea alone.
So I went down there and ended up leaving a day early because it did not go well and I was incredibly upset. He mostly talking about the previous women he dated (who really did treat him badly) and a friend of his who's married and whom he has a thing for (and has slept with). I told him many times that I didn't want to hear about these women; why? Because they had him and I didn't. When he wasn't talking about those women, he spent a lot of time on his phone and I know he didn't spend as much time on it as when I lived there.
At one point, we went to Sunset Cliffs at night (in San Diego) and watched the waves crash on the rocks below, felt the wind on our faces...and all he could talk about what was the women who he'd taken there to sleep with (in his words "smash"). Granted, there hasn't been a TON of women...but these women had treated him poorly and I never had. On the cliffs right there, I tried my hardest to get my mind off of this.
I tried to think of my dad, whose dream it was to retire on a boat before a car accident took that away from him. I tried to think of my mom, the logic she would have given me at that point, to ignore what Doug was saying and to focus on having fun before the vacation was over. I tried to focus on things I needed to do when I went home. Then I told myself that I'd leave that night or the next morning; I just couldn't take it any more.
I left San Diego the next morning and cried off and on the whole 8 hr trip home. I wasn't crying because of Doug, I was crying because I wanted to feel what's it's like again to be in a relationship. I wanted to hold a man's hand, lean my head on his shoulder, smell him, kiss him, cuddle with him and feel as if someone wanted me. I have been single for most of my adult life and this vacation has been all I've been thinking of for months. These hopes of mine weren't unwarranted; Doug and I had discussed doing certain things together and, at one point, he even said (not in these words and if I could find the exact text, I would) that it would be nice to play house for a few days. We didn't get close to that.
It's especially upsetting to me because, as a fat woman, I don't have a huge pool of men to choose from and I don't often get out as most of my friends aren't interested in going out or they have significant others. I've also asked ALL of my friends if they know any single guys who are into bigger girls and, of course, all say no. Also, I feel I'm a bit stuck in the position I'm in in life right now and I've asked my friends for help, but people are busy with their own lives: kids, houses, new jobs, significant others, new loves, etc. Sure, they give me advice like "Go out and meet people!" (seriously, by myself because you don't want to go out with me?) and "Try online dating!" (I've tried online dating in Northern California....shit does not go well).
I know all women have issues like this, but I feel even more discouraged because I never get hit on, I don't have a huge, strong, support system and it seems that more bad happens than good. I am so discouraged at this point, I really don't know what to do. My first emotional reaction is to totally give up, not talk to any friends and just say a big "FUCK YOU" to everyone. Well, everyone except the internet. Then my next reaction is to sit back, not try so hard with men and just let things happen...but I've been doing that a real long time and I'm fucking tired of it. Finally, my next reaction is to "get back on the horse" and try online dating again, as a friend recommends that I do. But, as my BFF at Pretty, Nerdy Girl said, I should work on myself, my blog, school and stop trying so hard.
And the real issue here, is that I try too hard. Every time a guy shows interest, and I have even a slight interest in him, I jump on it. I bend over backwards, treat him so sweetly, try so hard to look, act and speak perfectly. I'm always available to hang out and will ignore things that I hate in people (like being a slob, being lazy, being controlling, etc). I'm not sure why I do this, it may be because I had so many issues in school with boys, I desperately want people to like me and it's so, so difficult for me to believe that a man could like me for more than a best friend.
Because I've had a few days to think about all this since I've been back, I'm not as super
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