The Class

So I went to the bariatric class yesterday and, in the five years since I've been to it, it has definitely changed. The first time I went, the only surgery discussed was the gastric bypass (Roux NY). This time the class was a lot more informative and helped to concrete my decision. I'm not going to get a surgery...and I'm really, really fucking sad about it.

A Summary
The class was very informative and came with an extensive BMI chart and a thick packet with a general overview of what to expect before the surgery (eating habits, exercise, what things to give up, support groups) and after surgery (follow up appt, what you can eat, complications). The packet also included things to focus on right now and a checklist of things that you need to do, like quit smoking, reading labels, exercise, giving up caffeine, etc. The nutritionist teaching the class was very informative, showed us a slide show and answered questions from various people.
We found out that, through Kaiser Permanente specifically, there are various lab tests and aprox 7-10 doctors appointments that need to be met before surgery can be done. She said some people get the surgery 3-4mo after this class and some as long as 2yrs. Why? There is a percentage of weight the surgeons want you to meet because of 3 reasons:
1. It shows your commitment
2. Shows your change in life style
3. Reduces the size of your inflamed liver (even 10lbs can reduce the size of a swollen/inflamed liver that is commonly found in obese individuals)

After this meeting, once we contacted our doctor and got a referral to the bariatric department, we would have to take an hour-long class with surgeons who would discuss the 3 surgeries performed. There, they would go into detail regarding the procedures, success rate and possible complications.

My Decision
I'm not going to do it.
I found out more detail on the sleeve, which I did consider a bit, but decided against it. Though they didn't go into detail about the specific restrictions regarding the lap band, all the restrictions together has TOTALLY put me off to this idea.

After the Class
I may have teared up a bit. Due to stressing about this, I went to Starbucks to get an iced coffee (nothing crazy) and I saw 2 people in there that were in the class. These 2 people happen to sit next to me (well, kinda) and irritated me throughout the WHOLE DAMN CLASS. The woman sat next to me initially and shit was coo. Then her husband came, and she started whispering shit to him, so he sat behind us, but kinda between us (behind us but in the middle). He whips out a binder/notebook and during the entire class, his notebook is poking my waist/hip/thigh, he's kicking my chair, he's nudging my chair and he's whispering to her. Then she brings out her fucking phone and starts texting people, showing the screen to him and whispering to him. I tried to move forward, scoot sideways in my chair, sit sideways and no matter how far I moved, he was still poking me. I tried hinting to him a few times by looking back, but it was to no avail.
Anyway, when I walked into Starbucks, they gave me a weird look; I didn't think anything of it because I was upset but as I waited for my drink. I heard the woman say "Watch what drink she gets. I bet it's something fancy." (IE: Full of sugar and fat.) WHY do people do this to each other? If it was ANY of her business, which it's not, she'd know that I got a venti iced coffee with sugar free hazelnut flavor and 2% milk. But it's none of her fucking business.

Things to Give Up
I don't WANT to give up things like soda, caffeine, celery (some people have MAJOR issues with the stringy-ness of it) and alcohol. There are more on the list, but it would be pointless to site them. Now I don't often drink soda (I haven't had one in 3wks) and I rarely drink alcohol....but I don't want to HAVE to give them up. I hate not being able to control my life and making a permanent decision like this....I'm just not ready for it.

Money
The money for before and after care seems to be too much for my current financial situation. You have to always take vitamins (this is probably not true for lap band, but that was covered in the class, so I'll stay on the safe side and assume it's true), there may be slippage with the band (surgery required) and I will probably have to buy a CPAP machine due to my (probable) sleep apnea. I don't feel it's worth paying $400+ out of pocket to sleep. Sorry but I already have a lot going against me in life, when it comes to finding a significant other, this would just be one more thing. And it's not worth it.

The Risks
The risks seem too high for me. I know there are risks to the current weight that I am, but I have a (free) way out of it and if I were to need surgery, I wouldn't have another (free) option. I don't like the idea of having no other options.

Why Go to the Class in the First Place?
I know weight loss surgery isn't easy and I know it's not the easy way out, but I just wanted a boost. A year ago, I had a personal trainer that I had to stop going to because I got laid off. During that time, he had me on a mostly manageable diet and a strict 2hr, 5 day a week routine. Towards the end. I *thought* I had started to lose inches in my arms and I *thought* I had started to loose some breast tissue. Also, my friends *thought* I was starting to lose weight in my face. Why am I making the astricks by "thought?" Because I can talk myself out of anything positive. It is so easy for me to talk myself out of anything good happening in life and I was hoping getting the lap band and seeing the initial pounds drop, would be more motivating than being on the treadmill, fat jiggling around, going slower than all others around me and still NEEDING to say to myself "Keep going, keep going, Sheena. Ignore everyone else and just keep going." I thought that once I actually saw the changes in myself, it would be motivating to want to get out there and ride a bike, play basketball or football with people and just do the things that I've ALWAYS been too self conscious to do. But I won't be doing that.

What to Do Now:
I don't know.

I know, for sure, I want to go to the next meeting with the surgeons. I'm interested in what they have to say and I'm interested to see some of the specifics they will be talking about. I have a few game plans in mind, but I have a terrible habit of sticking to things for a few weeks to a month, then falling off of them. I just hate routine as I feel it's incredibly boring, so it's very difficult for me to create a routine. Also I have never been able to "see the light at the end of the tunnel." You know how people say "In five years, I will be ____!" I'm not like that and it's not that I don't have plans for life, it's that I just can't envision myself doing something great, fun or worthy. So weight loss seems like an impossibility for me and it makes it extremely hard to stay motivated and to stay on a routine; as days seem the same, nothing is exciting, and nothing new is happening.

I have a plan, though. I'm thinking of downloading an app for my phone to track what I eat and how much I exercise for a month. During this month, I will eat what I want and exercise what I've been exercising to see what I'm doing wrong and what I need to focus on. Once the month is done (I'll probably start this after my vacation), I'm going to figure out how many calories, fats, carbs and sugars I'm consuming and then find what I need to do to improve that. I'm also going to figure out how many calories I'm consuming to how many I'm burning. The other plan I have is to just cut down even further on my portions, completely cut out carbs and sugars and just go crazy at the gym. But I don't think that's the route I should go to for now. For now I think it's healthier and a more organized approach to do the above idea. I like organization. I love keeping track of things, numbers, days, portions, etc. My last idea is a non-surgical, but still through Kaiser method. There are aprox 3 weight loss programs Kaiser offers, as well as a mindful eating series (10 meetings) and support groups. I'm planning to join a support group and there is a program I'm interested in that includes a 6wk prescription for an appetite suppressant. I have always had issues with my appetite and have been afraid to try over the counter stuff (especially when you factor in the scary-as-hell side effects).

I gave myself a full day before posting this, but I am really very sad about this. There is no specific reason why I'm sad, but I suspect it's because I feel I've hit a road block. It's just so damn hard for me to envision and accept the idea that I could lose weight. When you think of something like that, and want it so badly, it's depressing and unmotivating. I still kinda feel like crying, but I just can't squeeze any tears out to relieve the feeling.


No picture for today. I'm a bit bummed.