I have normal things like homework, cleaning and doing taxes (I hope I get a good amount back!!) and I'm also getting my nails done! And really, thank (science, God, whomever you thank) that I'm getting them done because I HATE what's on them right now.
But I have some other things happening, too. I read reading my friend's blog last night, when I realized how much time I've wasted just hating myself. In all logical honesty, I am a fat woman, but that doesn't mean I've had the justification to hate me or it. In the past (as recently as 3 weeks ago), I've associated the hate of my body with the parts of my personality I didn't like. I've told myself "No one will want you; you're fat, disgusting, ugly and have a shitty personality." While it's true that a lot of men aren't attracted to someone my size, that is never a for sure reason for them to not like me personally and I've been told by many, many people that I'm fun, ridiculous, funny, aggressive and weird enough to want to be friends with (I'm also grossly inappropriate and the only person I would apologize to about it would be my grandma...but she's dead=not apologizing). To go from: unattractive physically = unattractive personality, is an emotional response to issues I've been dealing with since I was 10. From a young age, I learned that I was wholly wrong for who I am and what I looked like and, though I'm now 30, I've carried that thought with me for a long time.
It also hasn't helped that I've been single for a very long time and have had some bad experiences with men (I'm sure we all have). My experiences have been heartbreak, men ignoring me after first/second encounters, telling me they'd see me again after a lot of great dates and just being told far too many times "I like you as a friend more." It's fucking depressing. All that being said, there's been plenty of people in my life that have disliked me, hated me and have just said terrible things to me. Why should I do it to myself? I'm on my way to being healthier, more educated, saving money and trying to better myself...so why do I feel the need to analyze myself so closely and make gross, venomous statements about myself? This is going to be difficult, but I need to remind myself that if there's something I don't like, I can change. I'm not terrible right now, I'm just not the best I can be.
On that note, I have to blow dry my hair and have some tea. I'm thirsty.
Also, picture time!!!
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