I've since gotten the results back and everything seems normal, however, I've gained 20lbs in the past year. This is a big gain for me in a one year span and I am incredibly upset over it. I cried on the way home, while I was grocery shopping and after I got home. I have no one to talk to about this and it seems to make it more painful. I am so upset at what I've become, so bulky, mountainous, fat, full. I am an embarrassment and I have to change. I'm going to start going to the gym every day now. Not every day is going to be an intense day because that would be a bit too much for my body. We need a break, after all, right?
I'm going to do five days a week of intense workouts and 2 where I walk or bike a few miles. I've never, ever lost weight before and, though illogical, I doubt I'll be able to do it without a surgury.
In the mean time, I'm cutting out all bread, cutting down pasta to a half cup/serving (when I do have it) and sugars. Right now I'm drinking coffee to use up the rest of some creamer I bought on a whim, but after that, I'm pretty much done. While grocery shopping, I did get impulsive and buy a six pack of muffins: something I haven't done in YEARS. I ate one chocolate one while crying and wrapped the others to be frozen. I will eat one after a good week of eating, if I'm craving it.
I made an OK-tasting, but healthy dinner after shopping:
Stuffed bell papers (pumpkin, rice, Gouda cheese) with Parmesan cheese and sliced potatoes.
I know I'm depressed usually, but this is getting to me. I only got about 5-6hrs of broken sleep and things like makeup just don't seem important. Who's gonna see it? Who am I impressing? No one. No one will want me and no matter how much weight I lose, or how much I better myself, I'll still be the same loser.
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